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Unreturned Property Demand · two documents · 5 charges you choose + the serving script
Office of Lost Property

Final Notice

In the matter of Retention of Property Belonging to Another
File BOR-3737Issued AUGUST 22, 2026Served under youvebeenserved.shop
In the matter of
Marcus
Respondent · hereinafter “the Occupant”
v.
Upon complaint of
Sarah
Complainant · a member of the household

You are hereby notified that the above-named Respondent has been found, upon evidence gathered over a period of considerable patience, to be in breach of the following provisions:

  1. § 5.3a
    Indefinite retention. Possession of borrowed property well beyond any period a reasonable person would call borrowing.
  2. § 5.3b
    Failure of acknowledgment. Denial that the item was ever borrowed, made in the presence of the item.
  3. § 5.3c
    Conversion by relocation. Removal of the property into storage of the Respondent’s own arrangement and naming.
  4. § 5.3d
    Return in reduced condition. Restoration of an item at a lower charge, page count, or standard of cleanliness than issued.
  5. § 5.3e
    Repeat application. Request for a further loan while the first remains outstanding and unmentioned.

It is therefore ordered that the Respondent return all held property in its original condition, or something near it, effective immediately. This is a final notice. No further warnings will be issued. Compliance will be monitored. There is no appeals process, and there is no one to appeal to.

Response required

The Respondent is required to answer this notice. Detach the stub below and scan it; you may plead guilty, plead not guilty and appeal, or refuse to acknowledge the notice. Your answer is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

OffenseBorrowing and not returningSeverityStep 2 of 3 · Final Notice
Signed, the complainant
Sarah
Witness to service
print name
This notice is a gift and carries no legal force whatsoever. It is, however, extremely accurate. Not medical advice — but do get up.
detach and keep
Redemption stub · file BOR-3737
Marcus

Scan to respond. You may plead guilty, appeal, or refuse to acknowledge this notice. Your response is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

https://www.youvebeenserved.shop
VOID00
Office of Lost Property

Instructions

for the service of notice
File BOR-3737To be read aloudDo not smile

Service must be performed in person. Read the marked passages exactly as written. Anything in italics is direction and should not be read aloud, however tempting.

Before you begin

Serve in the doorway. Do not sit down. This is a collection, not a visit.

Have a witness present if you can. It doubles the audience and gives you someone to sign the form.

Give the witness your phone and have them film it. The document is the gift; their face is the part you keep.

Hold the notice with both hands. Do not smile. The whole thing collapses if you smile.

The service

“MARCUS. Do I have your attention.”

“I am serving you with a Unreturned Property Demand, file number BOR-3737, issued this day under the Office of Lost Property.”

“You have been found in breach of five provisions. I will read them.”

— read the charges from the notice, in order, without editorial —

The order

“It is therefore ordered that you comply, effective immediately.”

“A response is required. The code is on the stub.”

“Do you accept service?”

After they accept

Hand them the stub. Point at the code. Say nothing else — they will fill the silence themselves.

Sign the notice. Have your witness sign it. They keep it.

You may smile now.

Post the footage and tag @youvebeenserved. The best ones go on the wall, and whoever filmed it serves their next one on us.

Keep your copy. Hand over the stub. Say nothing else.