Mastication Conduct Order

For the one whose eating you can hear from the next room. One of the most complained-of habits there is. Choose 5 charges from 9, or write your own.

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Mastication Conduct Order · two documents · 5 charges you choose + the serving script
Bureau of Dining Standards
Final Notice
In the matter of Audible and Visible Mastication
File CHE-9943Issued AUGUST 23, 2026Served under youvebeenserved.shop
In the matter of
Marcus
Respondent · hereinafter “the Occupant”
v.
Upon complaint of
Sarah
Complainant · a member of the household

You are hereby notified that the above-named Respondent has been found, upon evidence gathered over a period of considerable patience, to be in breach of the following provisions:

  1. § 18.1a
    Audible mastication. Producing a sound at a volume that carries beyond the table.
  2. § 18.1b
    Visible processing. Permitting the contents to remain observable throughout.
  3. § 18.1c
    Speech during. Conducting conversation at a stage of the process that does not permit it.
  4. § 18.1d
    Percussive cutlery. Striking teeth against the fork on each pass.
  5. § 18.1e
    The open pause. Resting mid-chew with the mouth ajar for reasons never established.

It is therefore ordered that the Respondent close your mouth between the fork and the swallow, effective immediately. This is a final notice. No further warnings will be issued. Compliance will be monitored. There is no appeals process, and there is no one to appeal to.

Response required

The Respondent is required to answer this notice. Detach the stub below and scan it; you may plead guilty, plead not guilty and appeal, or refuse to acknowledge the notice. Your answer is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

OffenseChewing with your mouth openSeverityStep 2 of 3 · Final Notice
Signed, the complainant
Sarah
Witness to service
print name
This notice is a gift and carries no legal force whatsoever. It is, however, extremely accurate. Not medical advice — but do get up.
detach and keep
Redemption stub · file CHE-9943
Marcus

Scan to respond. You may plead guilty, appeal, or refuse to acknowledge this notice. Your response is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

https://www.youvebeenserved.shop
VOID00
Also included · the serving script

The words to say while you hand it over.

“Serve it during the meal. Slide it across the table.”

  • The exact lines to read aloud, in order
  • Stage directions — where to stand, when to pause
  • Best performed to an audience. Film it.

They are probably guilty of something else too

§ 31.2Being late to everythingChronic Lateness Warning§ 14.1Interrupting constantlyInterruption Cease and Desist§ 21.1One-word repliesMinimum Reply Order§ 21.2Leaving messages on readRead Receipt Citation