Equitable Division Order

For the one who orders the lobster and then suggests splitting it down the middle. Choose 5 charges from 9, or write your own.

Back to the catalog
Equitable Division Order · two documents · 5 charges you choose + the serving script
Bureau of Accounts and Settlement
Notice of Warning
In the matter of Insistence Upon Even Division
File SPL-7837Issued AUGUST 23, 2026Served under youvebeenserved.shop
In the matter of
Marcus
Respondent · hereinafter “the Occupant”
v.
Upon complaint of
Sarah
Complainant · a member of the household

You are hereby notified that the above-named Respondent has been found, upon evidence gathered over a period of considerable patience, to be in breach of the following provisions:

  1. § 10.2a
    Insistence upon even division. Proposing an equal split following a demonstrably unequal order.
  2. § 10.2b
    Wine asymmetry. Ordering the second bottle and the third for a table of two drinkers.
  3. § 10.2c
    The starter differential. Taking three courses at a table where others took one.
  4. § 10.2d
    Rounding in self-interest. Performing arithmetic that reliably resolves in your favour.
  5. § 10.2e
    Service charge disregard. Omitting the tip from your share and not from anybody else’s.

It is therefore ordered that the Respondent pay for what you ordered, including what you drank, effective immediately. You are advised that continued conduct of this nature will be escalated. Compliance will be monitored. There is no appeals process, and there is no one to appeal to.

Response required

The Respondent is required to answer this notice. Detach the stub below and scan it; you may plead guilty, plead not guilty and appeal, or refuse to acknowledge the notice. Your answer is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

OffenseSplitting the bill evenlySeverityStep 1 of 3 · Notice of Warning
Signed, the complainant
Sarah
Witness to service
print name
This notice is a gift and carries no legal force whatsoever. It is, however, extremely accurate. Not medical advice — but do get up.
detach and keep
Redemption stub · file SPL-7837
Marcus

Scan to respond. You may plead guilty, appeal, or refuse to acknowledge this notice. Your response is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

https://www.youvebeenserved.shop
VOID00
Also included · the serving script

The words to say while you hand it over.

“Serve it when the bill arrives, before they can speak.”

  • The exact lines to read aloud, in order
  • Stage directions — where to stand, when to pause
  • Best performed to an audience. Film it.

They are probably guilty of something else too

§ 31.2Being late to everythingChronic Lateness Warning§ 18.1Chewing with your mouth openMastication Conduct Order§ 14.1Interrupting constantlyInterruption Cease and Desist§ 21.1One-word repliesMinimum Reply Order