Furniture Access Order

For the owner whose dog has a favourite armchair, and it is yours. Choose 5 charges from 9, or write your own.

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Furniture Access Order · two documents · 5 charges you choose + the serving script
Office of Animal Management
Notice of Warning
In the matter of Unauthorised Animal Access to Soft Furnishings
File DOG-4242Issued AUGUST 23, 2026Served under youvebeenserved.shop
In the matter of
Marcus
Respondent · hereinafter “the Occupant”
v.
Upon complaint of
Sarah
Complainant · a member of the household

You are hereby notified that the above-named Respondent has been found, upon evidence gathered over a period of considerable patience, to be in breach of the following provisions:

  1. § 8.1a
    Unauthorised access. Permitting an animal onto furniture intended for human occupation.
  2. § 8.1b
    The best seat. Ceding, specifically, the seat with the view and the good cushion.
  3. § 8.1c
    Guest displacement. Requiring a visitor to sit elsewhere in deference to the animal.
  4. § 8.1d
    Hair transfer. Producing a condition in which no guest departs as they arrived.
  5. § 8.1e
    The bed extension. Extending the permission to sleeping accommodation.

It is therefore ordered that the Respondent keep the animal off every surface intended for people, effective immediately. You are advised that continued conduct of this nature will be escalated. Compliance will be monitored. There is no appeals process, and there is no one to appeal to.

Response required

The Respondent is required to answer this notice. Detach the stub below and scan it; you may plead guilty, plead not guilty and appeal, or refuse to acknowledge the notice. Your answer is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

OffenseLetting the dog on the furnitureSeverityStep 1 of 3 · Notice of Warning
Signed, the complainant
Sarah
Witness to service
print name
This notice is a gift and carries no legal force whatsoever. It is, however, extremely accurate. Not medical advice — but do get up.
detach and keep
Redemption stub · file DOG-4242
Marcus

Scan to respond. You may plead guilty, appeal, or refuse to acknowledge this notice. Your response is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

https://www.youvebeenserved.shop
VOID00
Also included · the serving script

The words to say while you hand it over.

“Serve it while the dog is on the sofa, for evidential clarity.”

  • The exact lines to read aloud, in order
  • Stage directions — where to stand, when to pause
  • Best performed to an audience. Film it.

They are probably guilty of something else too

§ 18.1Chewing with your mouth openMastication Conduct Order§ 16.4Watching ahead without youSimultaneous Viewing Order§ 20.2Never knowing when to leaveDeparture Enforcement Order§ 16.5Talking over the matchMatch Commentary Injunction