Impulse Acquisition Warning

For the one whose delivery driver knows them by name and by first name. Choose 5 charges from 9, or write your own.

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Impulse Acquisition Warning · two documents · 5 charges you choose + the serving script
Office of Provisioning and Retail
Notice of Warning
In the matter of Acquisition Without Deliberation
File PAR-7028Issued AUGUST 23, 2026Served under youvebeenserved.shop
In the matter of
Marcus
Respondent · hereinafter “the Occupant”
v.
Upon complaint of
Sarah
Complainant · a member of the household

You are hereby notified that the above-named Respondent has been found, upon evidence gathered over a period of considerable patience, to be in breach of the following provisions:

  1. § 19.1a
    Acquisition without deliberation. Completing a purchase within ninety seconds of first seeing the item.
  2. § 19.1b
    Nocturnal ordering. Transacting at an hour at which judgement is demonstrably reduced.
  3. § 19.1c
    The advertised discovery. Buying an item first encountered as an advertisement forty seconds earlier.
  4. § 19.1d
    Threshold padding. Adding an unwanted item to qualify for free delivery.
  5. § 19.1e
    Duplicate ownership. Acquiring an item already owned, unopened, elsewhere in the house.

It is therefore ordered that the Respondent place items in the basket and leave them there for two days, effective immediately. You are advised that continued conduct of this nature will be escalated. Compliance will be monitored. There is no appeals process, and there is no one to appeal to.

Response required

The Respondent is required to answer this notice. Detach the stub below and scan it; you may plead guilty, plead not guilty and appeal, or refuse to acknowledge the notice. Your answer is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

OffenseA parcel arriving every single daySeverityStep 1 of 3 · Notice of Warning
Signed, the complainant
Sarah
Witness to service
print name
This notice is a gift and carries no legal force whatsoever. It is, however, extremely accurate. Not medical advice — but do get up.
detach and keep
Redemption stub · file PAR-7028
Marcus

Scan to respond. You may plead guilty, appeal, or refuse to acknowledge this notice. Your response is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

https://www.youvebeenserved.shop
VOID00
Also included · the serving script

The words to say while you hand it over.

“Serve it at the door, while accepting the day’s parcel.”

  • The exact lines to read aloud, in order
  • Stage directions — where to stand, when to pause
  • Best performed to an audience. Film it.

They are probably guilty of something else too

§ 18.1Chewing with your mouth openMastication Conduct Order§ 16.4Watching ahead without youSimultaneous Viewing Order§ 20.2Never knowing when to leaveDeparture Enforcement Order§ 16.5Talking over the matchMatch Commentary Injunction