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Ambient Noise Citation · two documents · 5 charges you choose + the serving script
Bureau of Ambient Sound

Final Notice

In the matter of Broadcast of a Private Call into a Shared Room
File SPE-5867Issued AUGUST 22, 2026Served under youvebeenserved.shop
In the matter of
Marcus
Respondent · hereinafter “the Occupant”
v.
Upon complaint of
Sarah
Complainant · a member of the household

You are hereby notified that the above-named Respondent has been found, upon evidence gathered over a period of considerable patience, to be in breach of the following provisions:

  1. § 24.2a
    Broadcast of a private call. Transmission of one half of a conversation to every person within thirty feet.
  2. § 24.2b
    Volume beyond necessity. Operation of a loudspeaker at a setting no room of this size has ever required.
  3. § 24.2c
    Disclosure without consent. Delivery of the other party’s voice, name and business to an audience they never agreed to.
  4. § 24.2d
    Interruption of concentrated work. Termination of the deep attention of eleven colleagues, twice before lunch.
  5. § 24.2e
    Continuation after glances. Persistence in the conduct following four separate looks, one of them sustained.

It is therefore ordered that the Respondent hold the device to your head, as it was designed to be held, effective immediately. This is a final notice. No further warnings will be issued. Compliance will be monitored. There is no appeals process, and there is no one to appeal to.

Response required

The Respondent is required to answer this notice. Detach the stub below and scan it; you may plead guilty, plead not guilty and appeal, or refuse to acknowledge the notice. Your answer is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

OffenseSpeakerphone in an open officeSeverityStep 2 of 3 · Final Notice
Signed, the complainant
Sarah
Witness to service
print name
This notice is a gift and carries no legal force whatsoever. It is, however, extremely accurate. Not medical advice — but do get up.
detach and keep
Redemption stub · file SPE-5867
Marcus

Scan to respond. You may plead guilty, appeal, or refuse to acknowledge this notice. Your response is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

https://www.youvebeenserved.shop
VOID00
Bureau of Ambient Sound

Instructions

for the service of notice
File SPE-5867To be read aloudDo not smile

Service must be performed in person. Read the marked passages exactly as written. Anything in italics is direction and should not be read aloud, however tempting.

Before you begin

Serve during the call. Hand it over without speaking and wait.

Have a witness present if you can. It doubles the audience and gives you someone to sign the form.

Give the witness your phone and have them film it. The document is the gift; their face is the part you keep.

Hold the notice with both hands. Do not smile. The whole thing collapses if you smile.

The service

“MARCUS. Do I have your attention.”

“I am serving you with a Ambient Noise Citation, file number SPE-5867, issued this day under the Bureau of Ambient Sound.”

“You have been found in breach of five provisions. I will read them.”

— read the charges from the notice, in order, without editorial —

The order

“It is therefore ordered that you comply, effective immediately.”

“A response is required. The code is on the stub.”

“Do you accept service?”

After they accept

Hand them the stub. Point at the code. Say nothing else — they will fill the silence themselves.

Sign the notice. Have your witness sign it. They keep it.

You may smile now.

Post the footage and tag @youvebeenserved. The best ones go on the wall, and whoever filmed it serves their next one on us.

Keep your copy. Hand over the stub. Say nothing else.