You’ve Been Served
Birthdays

Another year. Same habit.

They have everything and they want nothing. What they do have is one thing everybody has noticed and nobody has said out loud.

  • Custom documents. Print and hand deliver, or serve a digital copy
  • Three charges you choose, from nine written for that habit
  • Signed by you, or Anonymous. Leave it on a desk and never be placed
  • A response code. They must plead guilty, appeal, or refuse
  • A line of your own, printed under the charges and signed by you
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Office of Bathroom Occupancy
Notice of Warning
In the matter of Occupancy of a Shared Bathroom
File BAT-5202Issued SEPTEMBER 18, 2026Served under youvebeenserved.shop
OffenseOccupying the bathroom for hoursSeverityStep 1 of 3 · Notice of Warning
In the matter of
Marcus
Respondent · hereinafter “the Occupant”
v.
Upon complaint of
Sarah
Complainant · a member of the household

You are hereby notified that the above-named Respondent has been found, upon evidence gathered over a period of considerable patience, to be in breach of the following provisions:

Provisions breached
  1. § 12.4a
    Excessive scrolling. Operating a handheld device upon the fixture beyond all reasonable need.
  2. § 12.4b
    Reckless endangerment of the vascular system. Remaining seated past the point at which circulation can be assured. Hemorrhoids are foreseeable and will not be treated as an accident.
  3. § 12.4c
    Neglect of household duties. Abandonment of dishes, trash cans, children or guests while the household was led to believe the matter was urgent.

It is therefore ordered that the Respondent vacate the fixture within ten (10) minutes of each and every seating, effective immediately. You are advised that continued conduct of this nature will be escalated.

Compliance will be monitored. There is no appeals process, and there is no one to appeal to.

Response required

The Respondent is required to answer. Detach the stub below and scan the code. Your answer is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

Signed, the complainant
Sarah
Witness to service
print name
This notice is a gift and carries no legal force whatsoever. It is, however, extremely accurate. Not medical advice, but do get up.
detach and keep
Redemption stub · file BAT-5202
Marcus
Scan to answer

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Bathroom Occupancy Order · one of 145 for this
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Pick what they are guilty of.

§ 12.4Occupying the bathroom for hoursIssues: Bathroom Occupancy OrderFor the household member who treats a shared facility as a private study.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 31.2Being late to everythingIssues: Chronic Lateness WarningFor the friend whose “leaving now” has never once meant leaving now.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 23.1Scrolling in bed until 2amIssues: Bedtime Scrolling CitationFor the one who says “one more video” at eleven and is still there at two.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 4.6Touching the thermostatIssues: Thermostat Interference OrderFor the household operative conducting unauthorized temperature policy.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 18.9Never choosing the restaurantIssues: Decision Abdication NoticeFor the one who doesn’t mind, has no preference, and rejects all six suggestions.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 7.9Leaving dishes in the sinkIssues: Sink Clearance NoticeFor the one who soaks a pan for four days and calls it a plan.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 12.1Never replacing the toilet rollIssues: Replenishment OrderFor the one who uses the last of it and leaves the cardboard tube as a monument.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 23.6Snoring like machineryIssues: Nocturnal Noise Abatement OrderFor the one who sleeps beautifully and lets nobody else.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 18.3Phone at the dinner tableIssues: Dinner Table Phone BanFor the relative who eats an entire meal without once looking up.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 7.6Loading the dishwasher wrongIssues: Loading Standards NoticeFor the one whose loading technique has been described, accurately, as an attack.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 26.1Booking meetings that could be emailsIssues: Unnecessary Meeting NoticeFor the one who gathers nine people to read a document aloud.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 9.2Leaving laundry in the machineIssues: Laundry Abandonment NoticeFor the one whose laundry finished on Tuesday and is still in there.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 12.9Leaving the seat upIssues: Toilet Seat Position OrderFor the one who has been asked, at minimum, four hundred times.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 16.8Spoiling the endingIssues: Spoiler Cease and DesistFor the one who says “wait for the twist”, then describes the twist.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 16.5Watching a whole season in one sittingIssues: Continuous Viewing OrderFor the one who takes “are you still watching” as an accusation.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 26.7Taking food from the office fridgeIssues: Communal Refrigerator OrderFor the one who ate a labeled sandwich and said nothing.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 21.2Leaving messages on readIssues: Read Receipt CitationFor the one who reads it, thinks about it, and never replies.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 36.10Buying the loudest possible toyIssues: Acoustic Gift InjunctionFor the grandparent who buys the drum kit, and then goes home.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 31.8Snoozing the alarm nine timesIssues: Serial Snoozing WarningFor the one whose alarm is a suggestion and whose partner’s alarm is not.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 18.1Chewing with your mouth openIssues: Mastication Conduct OrderFor the one whose eating you can hear from the next room. One of the most complained-of habits there is.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 36.1Asking when you are having childrenIssues: Reproductive Enquiry Cease and DesistFor the relative who has asked at every single gathering since the wedding.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 12.7Taking forty-minute showersIssues: Hot Water Depletion NoticeFor the one who leaves the bathroom warm and the tank empty.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 23.3An alarm that wakes everyone but themIssues: Alarm Discipline OrderFor the one whose alarm rings for forty minutes in an empty room.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 27.5Commenting on the drivingIssues: Backseat Driving InjunctionFor the passenger who brakes hard on a mat with no pedal under it.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 36.3Undermining the rules with the grandchildrenIssues: Rule Undermining InjunctionFor the grandparent who returns them at ten at night, full of sugar, delighted.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 36.7The weekend visit that becomes a two weeksIssues: Visit Duration OrderFor the in-laws whose three nights have entered a second week.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 10.6Buying things nobody neededIssues: Discretionary Spending NoticeFor the one who found a bargain on something nobody had thought about until it arrived.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 19.1A package arriving every single dayIssues: Impulse Acquisition WarningFor the one whose delivery driver knows them by name and by first name.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 36.2Unsolicited parenting adviceIssues: Unsolicited Guidance OrderFor the relative who has an opinion on every decision you make about your own child.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 34.1Keeping absolutely everythingIssues: Accumulation Cease and DesistFor the one who cannot throw anything away in case it comes in useful in 2041.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 11.2Standing the instant the plane landsIssues: Premature Standing OrderFor the passenger who is on their feet before the seatbelt sign is off, going nowhere.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 37.2On their phone all the timeIssues: Undivided Attention OrderFor the one who is in the room and somewhere else at the same time.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 2.2Leaving hair in the drainIssues: Drain Clearance NoticeFor the housemate who leaves the shower looking like a crime scene.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 2.7Not washing their handsIssues: Hand Hygiene OrderFor the colleague you once followed out of the bathroom, and have thought about ever since.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 22.4Tagging you in everythingIssues: Tagging Restraint OrderFor the one who tags you in nine posts a day, none of them relevant.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 2.6Farting in front of everyoneIssues: Ambient Emission NoticeFor the one who has stopped apologizing, stopped leaving the room, and started rating them.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 27.2Texting while drivingIssues: Handheld Device InjunctionThe single most complained-of driving habit there is. For the one who reads texts at the lights, and then after them.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 10.2Splitting the bill evenlyIssues: Equitable Division OrderFor the one who orders the lobster and then suggests splitting it down the middle.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 4.2Every light in the house onIssues: Illumination Discipline NoticeFor the one who lights the whole house and then sits in one room of it.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 26.4Reheating fish at the deskIssues: Workplace Odor NoticeFor the colleague whose lunch is still in the air at four o’clock.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 24.2Speakerphone in an open officeIssues: Ambient Noise CitationFor the one whose every call is a performance for forty people.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 7.3Taking the last of it and saying nothingIssues: Provision Replacement OrderFor the one who takes the last coffee and puts the empty tin back.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 38.1Never buying the shared essentialsIssues: Contribution Parity OrderFor the roommate who has never once bought the toilet paper or the dish soap.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 16.4Watching ahead without youIssues: Simultaneous Viewing OrderFor the partner who watched three more episodes and then pretended not to have.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 17.1Spending every evening on video gamesIssues: Recreational Excess NoticeFor the one who has been about to save and quit since Tuesday.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 7.8Backseat cookingIssues: Kitchen Interference OrderFor the one who supervises the cooking without ever having done any.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 10.4Always forgetting their walletIssues: Means of Payment OrderFor the one whose wallet is always in the other coat.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 10.5Always getting you next timeIssues: Reciprocity Enforcement NoticeFor the friend for whom next time has never once arrived.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 24.3TV at a volume nobody needsIssues: Broadcast Volume OrderFor the one who watches everything at a volume audible from the yard.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 2.4Cracking knuckles constantlyIssues: Percussive Habit NoticeFor the one who cracks every joint they own, in sequence, all day.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 13.3Full brightness in a dark roomIssues: Screen Luminance OrderFor the one whose screen lights the whole bedroom like a small sun.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 31.4Overrunning every meetingIssues: Meeting Overrun OrderFor the one who says “just one more thing” at the fifty-ninth minute.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 26.8Sending nine messages instead of oneIssues: Channel Discipline NoticeFor the colleague whose single thought arrives as eleven notifications.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 20.3Never bringing anythingIssues: Contribution NoticeFor the friend who arrives at every dinner with nothing but an appetite.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 18.5Eating off other people’s platesIssues: Plate Boundary InjunctionFor the one who ordered a salad and is now eating your chips.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 20.1Turning up unannouncedIssues: Unannounced Visit NoticeFor the relative who considers the doorbell a form of advance warning.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 36.8Rearranging your kitchen while “helping”Issues: Unauthorized Reorganization NoticeFor the relative who washes up and leaves you unable to find anything for a month.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 36.6Comparing you to your siblingIssues: Comparative Assessment NoticeFor the parent who has never once mentioned your news without mentioning your brother’s.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 20.2Never knowing when to leaveIssues: Departure Enforcement OrderFor the guest who is still there an hour after everybody stood up.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 20.4Bringing an unannounced plus-oneIssues: Unregistered Guest OrderFor the guest who brings someone you have never met to a table set for six.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 38.3Treating the living room as their bedroomIssues: Common Area Restoration OrderFor the roommate whose belongings have taken the sofa, the table and the floor.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 38.2Their partner has effectively moved inIssues: Unregistered Occupancy NoticeFor the roommate whose partner is now a fourth tenant paying nothing.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 10.3Requesting three dollars backIssues: Micro-Request Cease and DesistFor the friend who sends a payment request for a coffee. With an emoji.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 19.2Buying things and never returning themIssues: Unreturned Goods NoticeFor the one with four bags by the door, all of them going back, none of them going back.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 27.7Never refilling the tankIssues: Fuel Level NoticeFor the one who returns the car on fumes and says nothing about it.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 15.5FaceTiming on speaker in publicIssues: Public Video Call OrderFor the one conducting a full video call, on speaker, on a train.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 21.1One-word repliesIssues: Minimum Reply OrderFor the one whose answer to a paragraph is “K”.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 37.1Going quiet for days then reappearingIssues: Availability Disclosure OrderFor the one who vanishes for four days and returns with “hey stranger”.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 37.4Canceling the day of, every timeIssues: Same-Day Withdrawal NoticeFor the one who cancels at five for a seven o’clock table.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 36.9Posting photos of your children onlineIssues: Juvenile Image Publication OrderFor the relative who posts your children to their four hundred followers without asking.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 30.1Not picking up after the dogIssues: Fouling Removal OrderFor the neighbor whose dog has never once been followed with a bag.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 2.10Sniffing instead of using a tissueIssues: Tissue Deployment NoticeFor the one who has sniffed every forty seconds since November.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 12.3Taking calls from the toiletIssues: Call Location OrderFor the one whose colleagues have all heard a flush mid-sentence.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 22.2Checking in everywhereIssues: Location Broadcast NoticeFor the one who documents every meal, gate and gym session as it happens.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 21.4Replying to messages from days agoIssues: Delayed Thread NoticeFor the one who answers a question from Tuesday, on Saturday, with no context.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 29.1Letting the kids run wildIssues: Juvenile Supervision OrderFor the parent whose children have visited every table but their own.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 4.3Leaving the water runningIssues: Water Discipline OrderFor the one who brushes their teeth with the water running the entire time.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 2.5Picking their nose in companyIssues: Nasal Conduct OrderFor the one who thinks nobody can see them at a red light. Everybody can see them.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 7.4Putting the empty carton backIssues: Container Return OrderFor the one who leaves a milliliter in it so it does not count as finished.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 21.7Replying allIssues: Reply-All Restraining OrderFor the colleague who thanked forty people individually, all at once.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 31.9Canceling within the hourIssues: Late Cancellation NoticeFor the one who is always so sorry, and always so late to say it.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 5.3Borrowing and not returningIssues: Unreturned Property DemandFor the one who has your charger, your book, and no memory of either.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 9.7Leaving wet towels on the bedIssues: Wet Towel OrderFor the one who dries themselves and then the mattress.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 7.1Leaving the microwave explodedIssues: Communal Appliance OrderFor the one who reheats a curry with no lid and walks away.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 7.2Leaving cabinet doors openIssues: Cabinet Door CitationFor the one who opens everything and closes nothing.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 34.2Keeping every takeout containerIssues: Vessel Retention OrderFor the household whose entire cabinet is empty plastic tubs, and one lid.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 7.5Never throwing anything out of the fridgeIssues: Perishables Removal OrderFor the household whose fridge contains something nobody will open.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 19.3Never sticking to the groceries listIssues: Provisioning Discipline OrderFor the one sent for milk who returns with everything except milk.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 10.1Never paying back small amountsIssues: Outstanding Balance NoticeFor the friend who owes you eleven dollars from March and does not know it.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 21.3Sending eleven-minute voice notesIssues: Voice Note Cease and DesistFor the one whose message cannot be skimmed, searched, or survived.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 32.1Never remembering birthdaysIssues: Anniversary Recollection NoticeFor the one who has never once remembered without being told, twice.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 35.1Always ordering one more roundIssues: Closing Time OrderFor the friend who orders another round while everyone else is putting their coat on.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 24.4Never letting anybody else pick the musicIssues: Selection Rights OrderFor the one who has controlled every playlist since you met them.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 16.3Talking through the filmIssues: Broadcast Interference OrderFor the one who asks who that is, every time, during the line that explains who that is.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 14.5Telling the same story againIssues: Repetition NoticeFor the relative whose best story you have now heard forty times.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 14.4Asking then not listeningIssues: Attention Deficit CitationFor the one who asks how you are and is gone before the second word.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 14.2One-upping every storyIssues: Anecdotal Escalation WarningFor the friend whose weekend was always slightly better than yours.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 22.1Posting unflattering photos of youIssues: Image Publication OrderFor the friend who always picks the photo where they look good and you do not.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 37.3Talking about their ex constantlyIssues: Prior Matter RestrictionFor the one whose ex has attended every date you have been on.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 35.3Texting everyone at 2amIssues: Nocturnal Correspondence InjunctionFor the friend whose most heartfelt messages all arrive between one and three in the morning.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 21.6Texting “call me” and never answeringIssues: Contact Method OrderFor the one who sends “call me” and then does not pick up, for two days.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 13.1Phone permanently at three percentIssues: Charge Level CitationFor the one whose phone dies at the exact moment it is needed, every time.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 25.1The repair that never happensIssues: Deferred Repair NoticeFor the one who has been going to fix it since a previous government.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 25.2Half-finished projects everywhereIssues: Incomplete Works OrderFor the one whose house has three rooms at ninety percent and none at a hundred.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 2.3Wearing outdoor shoes insideIssues: Footwear Removal OrderFor the guest who walks the entire street through your house.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 38.5Passive-aggressive notesIssues: Direct Communication OrderFor the roommate who leaves notes on the fridge instead of saying anything.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 36.5Asking what everything costIssues: Financial Disclosure OrderFor the relative who asks what you earn, what you paid, and what it is worth now.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 14.1Interrupting constantlyIssues: Interruption Cease and DesistFor the one who has never once heard the end of a sentence.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 13.5Never muting on callsIssues: Microphone Discipline OrderFor the colleague whose every call includes their kitchen, their dog and their breathing.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 26.3Per my last emailIssues: Correspondence Tone NoticeFor the colleague whose politeness is a weapon and everybody knows it.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 26.6Meetings at 4:55 on a FridayIssues: Scheduling Conduct OrderFor the colleague who books half an hour at the exact moment the week ends.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 26.2Camera off in every meetingIssues: Visual Presence OrderFor the colleague who has been a gray circle with initials since 2021.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 13.4Typing with the clicks onIssues: Keyboard Acoustics NoticeFor the one whose phone clicks for every single letter, in a silent room.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 13.2Watching videos without headphonesIssues: Headphone Enforcement OrderFor the one who watches nine-second videos on speaker, on a train, at volume.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 15.4Playing music out loud in publicIssues: Ambient Audio InjunctionFor the one who has decided the whole bus should hear their playlist.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 29.2iPad at full volume in publicIssues: Device Volume OrderFor the parent whose child’s cartoons are audible three carriages away.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 11.1Reclining the seat fullyIssues: Seat Recline InjunctionFor the passenger who goes fully horizontal the second the wheels leave the ground.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 11.3Taking both armrestsIssues: Armrest Allocation OrderFor the passenger who annexed both armrests before you had sat down.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 11.4Using your baggage allowanceIssues: Baggage Allowance Requisition NoticeFor the travel companion whose case is always four kilos over, and yours never is.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 38.4Coming home loudly at 3amIssues: Nocturnal Tenancy OrderFor the roommate whose arrival home wakes the entire building.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 30.6Bass through the wallIssues: Structural Bass InjunctionFor the neighbor whose music you cannot hear, only feel.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 8.3Leaving a barking dog aloneIssues: Sustained Barking InjunctionFor the neighbor whose dog barks for six hours a day and is never there to hear it.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 30.3Power tools at seven in the morningIssues: Dawn Machinery InjunctionFor the neighbor who believes a leaf blower is a reasonable way to greet a Saturday.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 30.2Leaving the trash cans out all weekIssues: Refuse Presentation CitationFor the household whose trash can has taken up permanent residence on the curb.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 30.9Cluttering the shared hallwayIssues: Communal Space Clearance OrderFor the neighbor who treats the shared hall as an extension of their apartment.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 30.4Never taking in a packageIssues: Package Custody NoticeFor the neighbor who is always in, and never in when a package needs signing for.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 30.7Letting the hedge grow overIssues: Boundary Growth OrderFor the neighbor whose hedge has quietly annexed a third of your yard.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 28.1Never re-racking the weightsIssues: Weight Restoration OrderFor the one who leaves every plate on the bar for the next person to deal with.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 28.3Not wiping down the equipmentIssues: Equipment Sanitation OrderFor the one who leaves the bench exactly as wet as they found it dry.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 28.2Sitting on a machine scrollingIssues: Station Occupation NoticeFor the one who has been sitting on the leg press for eleven minutes, on their phone.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 33.1Talking about their dietIssues: Dietary Evangelism WarningFor the one who has told you what they no longer eat, at every meal, since January.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 29.3Never replying to invitationsIssues: Invitation Response NoticeFor the parent who never RSVPs and then arrives, with two children.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 35.2Never being the one to go homeIssues: Departure NoticeFor the friend who has never once left a party before it ended, or after.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 25.3Never changing the bulbIssues: Illumination Restoration NoticeFor the household that has lived by the light of one working bulb since spring.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 18.2Ordering for the whole tableIssues: Ordering Authority OrderFor the one who orders for everybody and asks nobody.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 15.1Jumping the lineIssues: Line Integrity OrderFor the one who joins a line somewhere other than the end of it.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 27.6Driving too close behindIssues: Following Distance OrderFor the driver who sits close enough that you can read their expression.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 27.4Refusing to let anyone mergeIssues: Merge Courtesy NoticeFor the driver who closes the gap the instant an indicator comes on.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 27.3Sitting in the passing laneIssues: Lane Discipline OrderFor the driver who has lived in the outside lane for eleven miles at the same speed.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 14.3Explaining what you just saidIssues: Redundant Explanation OrderFor the one who repeats your own point back to you, slowly, as a favor.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 26.5Taking credit for your workIssues: Attribution OrderFor the colleague who presents your work and says “we” exactly once.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 36.4Commenting on your appearanceIssues: Personal Remarks OrderFor the relative whose greeting is always an observation about your face, weight or hair.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 2.11Burping at the tableIssues: Table Conduct OrderFor the one who does it at volume and then looks around for a reaction.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 2.12Coughing without coveringIssues: Containment NoticeFor the one who coughs into the open air of a room containing other people.Choose 3Serve ▸§ 2.1Clipping nails in shared roomsIssues: Grooming Location OrderFor the one who does that on the sofa. In front of people. With a sound.Choose 3Serve ▸
1–10 of 145

Another year. Same habit.

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Serve the birthday person