You are hereby notified that the above-named Respondent has been found, upon evidence gathered over a period of considerable patience, to be in breach of the following provisions:

1. § 12.4a
   Excessive scrolling. Operating a handheld device upon the fixture beyond all reasonable need.
2. § 12.4b
   Reckless endangerment of the vascular system. Remaining seated past the point at which circulation can be assured. Hemorrhoids are foreseeable and will not be treated as an accident.
3. § 12.4c
   Neglect of household duties. Abandonment of dishes, bins, children or guests while the household was led to believe the matter was urgent.
4. § 12.4d
   Obstruction of a shared facility. Denial of access to others without notice, apology, or any credible estimate of return.
5. § 12.4e
   Conduct unbecoming of a guest in one’s own bathroom. Treating a room built for one purpose as a reading room, an office, or a home.

It is therefore ordered that the Respondent vacate the fixture within ten (10) minutes of each and every seating, effective immediately. You are hereby evicted from the privilege described above, effective immediately. Compliance will be monitored. There is no appeals process, and there is no one to appeal to.