For someone guilty of keeping every takeout container

Vessel Retention Order

For the household whose entire cabinet is empty plastic tubs, and one lid. Choose 3 charges from 9, or write your own.

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The notice and the serving script, delivered instantly. Print it, or send the link.
Bureau of Accumulation and Storage
Notice of Warning
In the matter of Stockpiling of Single-Use Vessels
File CON-5870Issued SEPTEMBER 18, 2026Served under youvebeenserved.shop
OffenseKeeping every takeout containerSeverityStep 1 of 3 · Notice of Warning
In the matter of
Marcus
Respondent · hereinafter “the Occupant”
v.
Upon complaint of
Sarah
Complainant · a member of the household

You are hereby notified that the above-named Respondent has been found, upon evidence gathered over a period of considerable patience, to be in breach of the following provisions:

Provisions breached
  1. § 34.2a
    Stockpiling of vessels. Retaining single-use containers at a rate far exceeding their use.
  2. § 34.2b
    The lid deficit. Maintaining a collection in which no lid matches any base.
  3. § 34.2c
    Structural instability. Achieving a stack that cannot be approached without consequence.

It is therefore ordered that the Respondent keep four, and recycle the rest today, effective immediately. You are advised that continued conduct of this nature will be escalated.

Compliance will be monitored. There is no appeals process, and there is no one to appeal to.

Response required

The Respondent is required to answer. Detach the stub below and scan the code. Your answer is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

Signed, the complainant
Sarah
Witness to service
print name
This notice is a gift and carries no legal force whatsoever. It is, however, extremely accurate.
detach and keep
Redemption stub · file CON-5870
Marcus
Scan to answer

You are required to respond. Choose one:

No camera? Go to youvebeenserved.shop

VOID00
Also included · the serving script

The words to say while you hand it over.

“Serve it while the cabinet is still open, and everything is still falling out.”

  • The script to read while serving them, in order
  • Stage directions, where to stand, when to pause
  • Best performed to an audience. Film it.

They are probably guilty of something else too

§ 12.1Never replacing the toilet rollReplenishment Order§ 7.6Loading the dishwasher wrongLoading Standards Notice§ 16.5Watching a whole season in one sittingContinuous Viewing Order§ 36.10Buying the loudest possible toyAcoustic Gift Injunction

Also called hoarder · hoarding · tupperware · plastic · clutter