Vessel Retention Order

For the household whose entire cupboard is empty plastic tubs, and one lid. Choose 5 charges from 9, or write your own.

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Vessel Retention Order · two documents · 5 charges you choose + the serving script
Bureau of Accumulation and Storage
Notice of Warning
In the matter of Stockpiling of Single-Use Vessels
File CON-5870Issued AUGUST 23, 2026Served under youvebeenserved.shop
In the matter of
Marcus
Respondent · hereinafter “the Occupant”
v.
Upon complaint of
Sarah
Complainant · a member of the household

You are hereby notified that the above-named Respondent has been found, upon evidence gathered over a period of considerable patience, to be in breach of the following provisions:

  1. § 34.2a
    Stockpiling of vessels. Retaining single-use containers at a rate far exceeding their use.
  2. § 34.2b
    The lid deficit. Maintaining a collection in which no lid matches any base.
  3. § 34.2c
    Structural instability. Achieving a stack that cannot be approached without consequence.
  4. § 34.2d
    Cupboard monopoly. Occupying storage intended for items in current use.
  5. § 34.2e
    Quality disregard. Retaining vessels warped by a dishwasher into a shape holding nothing.

It is therefore ordered that the Respondent keep four, and recycle the rest today, effective immediately. You are advised that continued conduct of this nature will be escalated. Compliance will be monitored. There is no appeals process, and there is no one to appeal to.

Response required

The Respondent is required to answer this notice. Detach the stub below and scan it; you may plead guilty, plead not guilty and appeal, or refuse to acknowledge the notice. Your answer is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

OffenseKeeping every takeaway containerSeverityStep 1 of 3 · Notice of Warning
Signed, the complainant
Sarah
Witness to service
print name
This notice is a gift and carries no legal force whatsoever. It is, however, extremely accurate. Not medical advice — but do get up.
detach and keep
Redemption stub · file CON-5870
Marcus

Scan to respond. You may plead guilty, appeal, or refuse to acknowledge this notice. Your response is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

https://www.youvebeenserved.shop
VOID00
Also included · the serving script

The words to say while you hand it over.

“Serve it while the cupboard is still open, and everything is still falling out.”

  • The exact lines to read aloud, in order
  • Stage directions — where to stand, when to pause
  • Best performed to an audience. Film it.

They are probably guilty of something else too

§ 12.1Never replacing the toilet rollReplenishment Order§ 24.3TV at a volume nobody needsBroadcast Volume Order§ 18.1Chewing with your mouth openMastication Conduct Order§ 4.2Every light in the house onIllumination Discipline Notice