Contribution Notice

For the friend who arrives at every dinner with nothing but an appetite. Choose 5 charges from 9, or write your own.

Back to the catalog
Contribution Notice · two documents · 5 charges you choose + the serving script
Office of Hospitality
Notice of Warning
In the matter of Attendance Without Contribution
File EMP-1943Issued AUGUST 23, 2026Served under youvebeenserved.shop
In the matter of
Marcus
Respondent · hereinafter “the Occupant”
v.
Upon complaint of
Sarah
Complainant · a member of the household

You are hereby notified that the above-named Respondent has been found, upon evidence gathered over a period of considerable patience, to be in breach of the following provisions:

  1. § 20.3a
    Attendance without contribution. Arriving at a hosted occasion bearing nothing.
  2. § 20.3b
    The offered enquiry. Asking what to bring, being told, and bringing none of it.
  3. § 20.3c
    Consumption asymmetry. Drinking materially more than was brought by anybody, including you.
  4. § 20.3d
    The reclaimed remainder. Departing with the unopened portion of a contribution made by another.
  5. § 20.3e
    Dietary imposition. Requiring a separate dish while contributing nothing toward it.

It is therefore ordered that the Respondent bring something drinkable or edible to every occasion you attend, effective immediately. You are advised that continued conduct of this nature will be escalated. Compliance will be monitored. There is no appeals process, and there is no one to appeal to.

Response required

The Respondent is required to answer this notice. Detach the stub below and scan it; you may plead guilty, plead not guilty and appeal, or refuse to acknowledge the notice. Your answer is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

OffenseNever bringing anythingSeverityStep 1 of 3 · Notice of Warning
Signed, the complainant
Sarah
Witness to service
print name
This notice is a gift and carries no legal force whatsoever. It is, however, extremely accurate. Not medical advice — but do get up.
detach and keep
Redemption stub · file EMP-1943
Marcus

Scan to respond. You may plead guilty, appeal, or refuse to acknowledge this notice. Your response is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

https://www.youvebeenserved.shop
VOID00
Also included · the serving script

The words to say while you hand it over.

“Serve it at the door, in place of the bottle they did not bring.”

  • The exact lines to read aloud, in order
  • Stage directions — where to stand, when to pause
  • Best performed to an audience. Film it.

They are probably guilty of something else too

§ 18.1Chewing with your mouth openMastication Conduct Order§ 16.4Watching ahead without youSimultaneous Viewing Order§ 20.2Never knowing when to leaveDeparture Enforcement Order§ 16.5Talking over the matchMatch Commentary Injunction