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Bedtime Scrolling Citation · two documents · 5 charges you choose + the serving script
Bureau of Nocturnal Conduct

Notice of Warning

In the matter of Nocturnal Device Use
File SCR-5825Issued AUGUST 22, 2026Served under youvebeenserved.shop
In the matter of
Marcus
Respondent · hereinafter “the Occupant”
v.
Upon complaint of
Sarah
Complainant · a member of the household

You are hereby notified that the above-named Respondent has been found, upon evidence gathered over a period of considerable patience, to be in breach of the following provisions:

  1. § 23.1a
    Illumination of a shared sleeping area. Operating a lit screen within a room occupied by a person actively attempting to sleep.
  2. § 23.1b
    False declaration of intent. Stating “one more” on eleven separate occasions within a single evening.
  3. § 23.1c
    Wilful degradation of the following morning. Knowingly incurring a sleep debt that will be repaid, with interest, by everyone in the household.
  4. § 23.1d
    Audible autoplay. Permitting a video to begin without warning at a volume incompatible with unconsciousness.
  5. § 23.1e
    Denial upon questioning. Claiming to have been asleep for hours when the ceiling was visibly blue.

It is therefore ordered that the Respondent surrender the device to the bedside table no later than eleven (11) o’clock, effective immediately. You are advised that continued conduct of this nature will be escalated. Compliance will be monitored. There is no appeals process, and there is no one to appeal to.

Response required

The Respondent is required to answer this notice. Detach the stub below and scan it; you may plead guilty, plead not guilty and appeal, or refuse to acknowledge the notice. Your answer is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

OffenseScrolling in bed until 2amSeverityStep 1 of 3 · Notice of Warning
Signed, the complainant
Sarah
Witness to service
print name
This notice is a gift and carries no legal force whatsoever. It is, however, extremely accurate. Not medical advice — but do get up.
detach and keep
Redemption stub · file SCR-5825
Marcus

Scan to respond. You may plead guilty, appeal, or refuse to acknowledge this notice. Your response is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

https://www.youvebeenserved.shop
VOID00
Bureau of Nocturnal Conduct

Instructions

for the service of notice
File SCR-5825To be read aloudDo not smile

Service must be performed in person. Read the marked passages exactly as written. Anything in italics is direction and should not be read aloud, however tempting.

Before you begin

Serve this in daylight. Serving it at midnight, in the dark, to a lit face, will be read as provocation.

Have a witness present if you can. It doubles the audience and gives you someone to sign the form.

Give the witness your phone and have them film it. The document is the gift; their face is the part you keep.

Hold the notice with both hands. Do not smile. The whole thing collapses if you smile.

The service

“MARCUS. Do I have your attention.”

“I am serving you with a Bedtime Scrolling Citation, file number SCR-5825, issued this day under the Bureau of Nocturnal Conduct.”

“You have been found in breach of five provisions. I will read them.”

— read the charges from the notice, in order, without editorial —

The order

“It is therefore ordered that you comply, effective immediately.”

“A response is required. The code is on the stub.”

“Do you accept service?”

After they accept

Hand them the stub. Point at the code. Say nothing else — they will fill the silence themselves.

Sign the notice. Have your witness sign it. They keep it.

You may smile now.

Post the footage and tag @youvebeenserved. The best ones go on the wall, and whoever filmed it serves their next one on us.

Keep your copy. Hand over the stub. Say nothing else.