Microphone Discipline Order

For the colleague whose every call includes their kitchen, their dog and their breathing. Choose 5 charges from 9, or write your own.

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Microphone Discipline Order · two documents · 5 charges you choose + the serving script
Office of Devices and Connectivity
Final Notice
In the matter of Failure to Mute
File UNM-2502Issued AUGUST 23, 2026Served under youvebeenserved.shop
In the matter of
Marcus
Respondent · hereinafter “the Occupant”
v.
Upon complaint of
Sarah
Complainant · a member of the household

You are hereby notified that the above-named Respondent has been found, upon evidence gathered over a period of considerable patience, to be in breach of the following provisions:

  1. § 13.5a
    Failure to mute. Remaining live throughout a meeting in which you are not speaking.
  2. § 13.5b
    Ambient contribution. Introducing a kitchen, a road or a dog to a professional discussion.
  3. § 13.5c
    Respiratory broadcast. Transmitting breathing at a proximity that makes it the loudest input.
  4. § 13.5d
    The typed accompaniment. Providing a keyboard track beneath every other speaker.
  5. § 13.5e
    Mastication on air. Eating a meal at a volume the microphone is engineered to capture.

It is therefore ordered that the Respondent remain muted unless actively speaking, effective immediately. This is a final notice. No further warnings will be issued. Compliance will be monitored. There is no appeals process, and there is no one to appeal to.

Response required

The Respondent is required to answer this notice. Detach the stub below and scan it; you may plead guilty, plead not guilty and appeal, or refuse to acknowledge the notice. Your answer is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

OffenseNever muting on callsSeverityStep 2 of 3 · Final Notice
Signed, the complainant
Sarah
Witness to service
print name
This notice is a gift and carries no legal force whatsoever. It is, however, extremely accurate. Not medical advice — but do get up.
detach and keep
Redemption stub · file UNM-2502
Marcus

Scan to respond. You may plead guilty, appeal, or refuse to acknowledge this notice. Your response is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

https://www.youvebeenserved.shop
VOID00
Also included · the serving script

The words to say while you hand it over.

“Serve it in the chat, during the call, while they are unmuted.”

  • The exact lines to read aloud, in order
  • Stage directions — where to stand, when to pause
  • Best performed to an audience. Film it.

They are probably guilty of something else too

§ 18.1Chewing with your mouth openMastication Conduct Order§ 10.1Never paying back small amountsOutstanding Balance Notice§ 38.5Passive-aggressive notesDirect Communication Order§ 2.1Clipping nails in shared roomsGrooming Location Order