You’ve Been Served
You have mentioned it. Twice. Three times.

Somebody you love has a bad habit.

So stop mentioning it and put it in writing. We draw up the charges — custom to the habit, made out in their name — and you print it, serve it in person, and read the script we send with it. Then they scan the code and answer for themselves.

  • Half gag gift, half formal intervention
  • A laugh when you hand it over, a story they tell for years
  • A last-minute gift that looks like weeks of paperwork
Instant deliveryBuy now · serve them tonight
Office of Bathroom Occupancy
Notice of Eviction
In the matter of Occupancy of a Shared Bathroom
File BAT-5202Issued AUGUST 23, 2026Served under youvebeenserved.shop
OffenseOccupying the bathroom for hoursSeverityStep 3 of 3 · Notice of Eviction
In the matter of
Marcus
Respondent · hereinafter “the Occupant”
v.
Upon complaint of
Sarah
Complainant · a member of the household

You are hereby notified that the above-named Respondent has been found, upon evidence gathered over a period of considerable patience, to be in breach of the following provisions:

  1. § 12.4a
    Excessive scrolling. Operating a handheld device upon the fixture beyond all reasonable need.
  2. § 12.4b
    Reckless endangerment of the vascular system. Remaining seated past the point at which circulation can be assured. Hemorrhoids are foreseeable and will not be treated as an accident.
  3. § 12.4c
    Neglect of household duties. Abandonment of dishes, bins, children or guests while the household was led to believe the matter was urgent.
  4. § 12.4d
    Obstruction of a shared facility. Denial of access to others without notice, apology, or any credible estimate of return.
  5. § 12.4e
    Conduct unbecoming of a guest in one’s own bathroom. Treating a room built for one purpose as a reading room, an office, or a home.

It is therefore ordered that the Respondent vacate the fixture within ten (10) minutes of each and every seating, effective immediately. You are hereby evicted from the privilege described above, effective immediately. Compliance will be monitored. There is no appeals process, and there is no one to appeal to.

Response required

The Respondent is required to answer this notice. Detach the stub below and scan it; you may plead guilty, plead not guilty and appeal, or refuse to acknowledge the notice. Your answer is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

Signed, the complainant
Sarah
Witness to service
print name
This notice is a gift and carries no legal force whatsoever. It is, however, extremely accurate. Not medical advice — but do get up.
detach and keep
Redemption stub · file BAT-5202
Marcus

Scan to respond. You may plead guilty, appeal, or refuse to acknowledge this notice. Your response is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

https://www.youvebeenserved.shop
VOID00
Bathroom Eviction Notice · tap to read it in full
Great gift for:
ChristmasSecret SantaWhite elephantStocking fillersBirthdaysFather's DayMother's DayAnniversariesValentine's DayMoving in togetherNew roommatesHousewarmingsWeddingsBachelor partiesGraduationsRetirementsOffice partiesNew Year resolutionsApril Fools'ThanksgivingHanukkahDorm move-inGoing-away partiesJust becauseThe fourth time this week
What you get

File it. Serve it. Hear them plead.

Two documents arrive. What happens after you hand them over is the actual present.

01The filing

The notice

Office of Bathroom Occupancy
Notice of Eviction
In the matter of Occupancy of a Shared Bathroom
File BAT-5202Issued AUGUST 23, 2026Served under youvebeenserved.shop
OffenseOccupying the bathroom for hoursSeverityStep 3 of 3 · Notice of Eviction
In the matter of
Marcus
Respondent · hereinafter “the Occupant”
v.
Upon complaint of
Sarah
Complainant · a member of the household

You are hereby notified that the above-named Respondent has been found, upon evidence gathered over a period of considerable patience, to be in breach of the following provisions:

  1. § 12.4a
    Excessive scrolling. Operating a handheld device upon the fixture beyond all reasonable need.
  2. § 12.4b
    Reckless endangerment of the vascular system. Remaining seated past the point at which circulation can be assured. Hemorrhoids are foreseeable and will not be treated as an accident.
  3. § 12.4c
    Neglect of household duties. Abandonment of dishes, bins, children or guests while the household was led to believe the matter was urgent.
  4. § 12.4d
    Obstruction of a shared facility. Denial of access to others without notice, apology, or any credible estimate of return.
  5. § 12.4e
    Conduct unbecoming of a guest in one’s own bathroom. Treating a room built for one purpose as a reading room, an office, or a home.

It is therefore ordered that the Respondent vacate the fixture within ten (10) minutes of each and every seating, effective immediately. You are hereby evicted from the privilege described above, effective immediately. Compliance will be monitored. There is no appeals process, and there is no one to appeal to.

Response required

The Respondent is required to answer this notice. Detach the stub below and scan it; you may plead guilty, plead not guilty and appeal, or refuse to acknowledge the notice. Your answer is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

Signed, the complainant
Sarah
Witness to service
print name
This notice is a gift and carries no legal force whatsoever. It is, however, extremely accurate. Not medical advice — but do get up.
detach and keep
Redemption stub · file BAT-5202
Marcus

Scan to respond. You may plead guilty, appeal, or refuse to acknowledge this notice. Your response is recorded and forwarded to the complainant.

https://www.youvebeenserved.shop
VOID00
  • Choose five charges, or write your own
  • Made out in their name, under seal
  • Print it, or serve a digital copy
02The service

The script

Office of Bathroom Occupancy
Instructions
for the service of notice
File BAT-5202To be read aloudDo not smile

Service must be performed in person. Read the marked passages exactly as written. Anything in italics is direction and should not be read aloud, however tempting.

Before you begin

Wait until they are out of the bathroom. Serving someone through a door is not valid service and is, frankly, rude.

Have a witness present if you can. It doubles the audience and gives you someone to sign the form.

Give the witness your phone and have them film it. The document is the gift; their face is the part you keep.

Hold the notice with both hands. Do not smile. The whole thing collapses if you smile.

The service

“MARCUS. Do I have your attention.”

“I am serving you with a Bathroom Eviction Notice, file number BAT-5202, issued this day under the Office of Bathroom Occupancy.”

“You have been found in breach of five provisions. I will read them.”

— read the charges from the notice, in order, without editorial —

The order

“It is therefore ordered that you comply, effective immediately.”

“A response is required. The code is on the stub.”

“Do you accept service?”

After they accept

Hand them the stub. Point at the code. Say nothing else — they will fill the silence themselves.

Sign the notice. Have your witness sign it. They keep it.

You may smile now.

Post the footage and tag @youvebeenserved. The best ones go on the wall, and whoever filmed it serves their next one on us.

Keep your copy. Hand over the stub. Say nothing else.
  • The exact words to say out loud
  • Best performed to an audience
  • Film it. You will want the footage.
03The arraignment

The plea

Guilty as chargedNot guilty — I appealI refuse to acknowledge this
  • They scan the stub and must answer
  • Refusing to acknowledge counts as acknowledging
  • However they plead, you get told
Try it as the recipient ▸
A colleague being served a notice at their desk while eight coworkers look on, laughing.
Exhibit AService of a § 26.4 notice upon a colleague, witnessed by eight members of staff. The Respondent did not appeal.
A father being handed an eviction notice in a living room by his wife, with two children laughing.
Exhibit BService of a § 12.4 notice at the family home, witnessed by three members of the household. The Respondent appealed immediately.
The catalog

Offenses we prosecute.

153 offenses · 1377 charges on file

Pick the habit. Each one has its own notice, its own issuing office, and charges written for that offense and nobody else’s.

§ 31.2Being late to everythingIssues: Chronic Lateness WarningFor the friend whose “leaving now” has never once meant leaving now.Choose 5View ▸§ 7.9Leaving dishes in the sinkIssues: Dirty Dishes Final NoticeFor the one who soaks a pan for four days and calls it a plan.Choose 5View ▸§ 12.1Never replacing the toilet rollIssues: Replenishment OrderFor the one who uses the last of it and leaves the cardboard tube as a monument.Choose 5View ▸§ 12.4Occupying the bathroom for hoursIssues: Bathroom Eviction NoticeFor the household member who treats a shared facility as a private study.Choose 5View ▸§ 23.6Snoring like machineryIssues: Nocturnal Noise Abatement OrderFor the one who sleeps beautifully and lets nobody else.Choose 5View ▸§ 24.3TV at a volume nobody needsIssues: Broadcast Volume OrderFor the one who watches everything at a volume audible from the garden.Choose 5View ▸§ 18.3Phone at the dinner tableIssues: Dinner Table Phone BanFor the relative who eats an entire meal without once looking up.Choose 5View ▸§ 26.7Taking food from the office fridgeIssues: Communal Refrigerator OrderFor the one who ate a labeled sandwich and said nothing.Choose 5View ▸§ 7.1Leaving the microwave explodedIssues: Communal Appliance OrderFor the one who reheats a curry with no lid and walks away.Choose 5View ▸§ 18.1Chewing with your mouth openIssues: Mastication Conduct OrderFor the one whose eating you can hear from the next room. One of the most complained-of habits there is.Choose 5View ▸§ 2.4Cracking knuckles constantlyIssues: Percussive Habit NoticeFor the one who cracks every joint they own, in sequence, all day.Choose 5View ▸§ 4.6Touching the thermostatIssues: Thermostat Interference OrderFor the household operative conducting unauthorized temperature policy.Choose 5View ▸§ 4.2Every light in the house onIssues: Illumination Discipline NoticeFor the one who lights the whole house and then sits in one room of it.Choose 5View ▸§ 23.1Scrolling in bed until 2amIssues: Bedtime Scrolling CitationFor the one who says “one more video” at eleven and is still there at two.Choose 5View ▸§ 21.7Replying allIssues: Reply-All Restraining OrderFor the colleague who thanked forty people individually, all at once.Choose 5View ▸§ 26.3Per my last emailIssues: Correspondence Tone NoticeFor the colleague whose politeness is a weapon and everybody knows it.Choose 5View ▸§ 14.1Interrupting constantlyIssues: Interruption Cease and DesistFor the one who has never once heard the end of a sentence.Choose 5View ▸§ 10.1Never paying back small amountsIssues: Outstanding Balance NoticeFor the friend who owes you eleven pounds from March and does not know it.Choose 5View ▸§ 38.1Never buying the shared essentialsIssues: Contribution Parity OrderFor the flatmate who has never once bought the loo roll or the washing-up liquid.Choose 5View ▸§ 9.7Leaving wet towels on the bedIssues: Wet Towel OrderFor the one who dries themselves and then the mattress.Choose 5View ▸§ 7.6Loading the dishwasher wrongIssues: Loading Standards NoticeFor the one whose loading technique has been described, accurately, as an attack.Choose 5View ▸§ 9.2Leaving laundry in the machineIssues: Laundry Abandonment NoticeFor the one whose washing finished on Tuesday and is still in there.Choose 5View ▸§ 12.9Leaving the seat upIssues: Toilet Seat Position OrderFor the one who has been asked, at minimum, four hundred times.Choose 5View ▸§ 16.8Spoiling the endingIssues: Spoiler Cease and DesistFor the one who says “wait for the twist”, then describes the twist.Choose 5View ▸§ 16.4Watching ahead without youIssues: Simultaneous Viewing OrderFor the partner who watched three more episodes and then pretended not to have.Choose 5View ▸§ 27.5Commenting on the drivingIssues: Backseat Driving InjunctionFor the passenger who brakes hard on a mat with no pedal under it.Choose 5View ▸§ 21.1One-word repliesIssues: Minimum Reply OrderFor the one whose answer to a paragraph is “K”.Choose 5View ▸§ 21.6Texting “call me” and never answeringIssues: Contact Method OrderFor the one who sends “call me” and then does not pick up, for two days.Choose 5View ▸§ 21.2Leaving messages on readIssues: Read Receipt CitationFor the one who reads it, thinks about it, and never replies.Choose 5View ▸§ 37.2On their phone through the whole dateIssues: Undivided Attention OrderFor the one who came to dinner and spent it somewhere else.Choose 5View ▸§ 37.1Going quiet for days then reappearingIssues: Availability Disclosure OrderFor the one who vanishes for four days and returns with “hey stranger”.Choose 5View ▸§ 26.1Booking meetings that could be emailsIssues: Unnecessary Meeting NoticeFor the one who gathers nine people to read a document aloud.Choose 5View ▸§ 26.2Camera off in every meetingIssues: Visual Presence OrderFor the colleague who has been a grey circle with initials since 2021.Choose 5View ▸§ 24.2Speakerphone in an open officeIssues: Ambient Noise CitationFor the one whose every call is a performance for forty people.Choose 5View ▸§ 12.3Taking calls from the toiletIssues: Call Location OrderFor the one whose colleagues have all heard a flush mid-sentence.Choose 5View ▸§ 31.9Cancelling within the hourIssues: Late Cancellation NoticeFor the one who is always so sorry, and always so late to say it.Choose 5View ▸§ 31.1Chronic optimism about journey timesIssues: Journey Estimation OrderFor the one for whom everywhere is twenty minutes away, and never is.Choose 5View ▸§ 37.4Cancelling the day of, every timeIssues: Same-Day Withdrawal NoticeFor the one who cancels at five for a seven o’clock table.Choose 5View ▸§ 5.3Borrowing and not returningIssues: Unreturned Property DemandFor the one who has your charger, your book, and no memory of either.Choose 5View ▸§ 10.2Splitting the bill evenlyIssues: Equitable Division OrderFor the one who orders the lobster and then suggests splitting it down the middle.Choose 5View ▸§ 31.8Snoozing the alarm nine timesIssues: Serial Snoozing WarningFor the one whose alarm is a suggestion and whose partner’s alarm is not.Choose 5View ▸§ 23.3An alarm that wakes everyone but themIssues: Alarm Discipline OrderFor the one whose alarm rings for forty minutes in an empty room.Choose 5View ▸§ 12.7Taking forty-minute showersIssues: Hot Water Depletion NoticeFor the one who leaves the bathroom warm and the tank empty.Choose 5View ▸§ 12.2Flooding the bathroom floorIssues: Containment OrderFor the one who showers with the curtain out and leaves a lake.Choose 5View ▸§ 7.2Leaving cupboard doors openIssues: Cupboard Door CitationFor the one who opens everything and closes nothing.Choose 5View ▸§ 7.7Standing with the fridge door openIssues: Appliance Closure NoticeFor the one who opens the fridge and considers their life inside it.Choose 5View ▸§ 7.4Putting the empty carton backIssues: Empty Container Final NoticeFor the one who leaves a milliliter in it so it does not count as finished.Choose 5View ▸§ 7.3Taking the last of it and saying nothingIssues: Provision Replacement OrderFor the one who takes the last coffee and puts the empty tin back.Choose 5View ▸§ 20.1Turning up unannouncedIssues: Unannounced Visit NoticeFor the relative who considers the doorbell a form of advance warning.Choose 5View ▸§ 38.5Passive-aggressive notesIssues: Direct Communication OrderFor the flatmate who leaves notes on the fridge instead of saying anything.Choose 5View ▸§ 20.2Never knowing when to leaveIssues: Departure Enforcement OrderFor the guest who is still there an hour after everybody stood up.Choose 5View ▸§ 38.2Their partner has effectively moved inIssues: Unregistered Occupancy NoticeFor the flatmate whose partner is now a fourth tenant paying nothing.Choose 5View ▸§ 27.2Texting while drivingIssues: Handheld Device InjunctionThe single most complained-of driving habit there is. For the one who reads texts at the lights, and then after them.Choose 5View ▸§ 27.6Driving too close behindIssues: Following Distance OrderFor the driver who sits close enough that you can read their expression.Choose 5View ▸§ 27.4Refusing to let anyone mergeIssues: Merge Courtesy NoticeFor the driver who closes the gap the instant an indicator comes on.Choose 5View ▸§ 27.3Sitting in the passing laneIssues: Lane Discipline OrderFor the driver who has lived in the outside lane for eleven miles at the same speed.Choose 5View ▸§ 30.1Not picking up after the dogIssues: Fouling Removal OrderFor the neighbour whose dog has never once been followed with a bag.Choose 5View ▸§ 30.2Leaving the bins out all weekIssues: Refuse Presentation CitationFor the household whose wheelie bin has taken up permanent residence on the kerb.Choose 5View ▸§ 30.6Bass through the wallIssues: Structural Bass InjunctionFor the neighbour whose music you cannot hear, only feel.Choose 5View ▸§ 38.4Coming home loudly at 3amIssues: Nocturnal Tenancy OrderFor the flatmate whose arrival home wakes the entire building.Choose 5View ▸§ 30.3Power tools at seven in the morningIssues: Dawn Machinery InjunctionFor the neighbour who believes a leaf blower is a reasonable way to greet a Saturday.Choose 5View ▸§ 14.2One-upping every storyIssues: Anecdotal Escalation WarningFor the friend whose weekend was always slightly better than yours.Choose 5View ▸§ 14.3Explaining what you just saidIssues: Redundant Explanation OrderFor the one who repeats your own point back to you, slowly, as a favour.Choose 5View ▸§ 26.5Taking credit for your workIssues: Attribution OrderFor the colleague who presents your work and says “we” exactly once.Choose 5View ▸§ 14.4Asking then not listeningIssues: Attention Deficit CitationFor the one who asks how you are and is gone before the second word.Choose 5View ▸§ 14.5Telling the same story againIssues: Repetition NoticeFor the relative whose best story you have now heard forty times.Choose 5View ▸§ 16.5Talking over the matchIssues: Match Commentary InjunctionFor the one who explains the offside rule during the goal.Choose 5View ▸§ 16.3Talking through the filmIssues: Broadcast Interference OrderFor the one who asks who that is, every time, during the line that explains who that is.Choose 5View ▸§ 24.4Never letting anybody else pick the musicIssues: Selection Rights OrderFor the one who has controlled every playlist since you met them.Choose 5View ▸§ 18.9Never choosing the restaurantIssues: Decision Abdication NoticeFor the one who doesn’t mind, has no preference, and rejects all six suggestions.Choose 5View ▸§ 18.2Ordering for the whole tableIssues: Ordering Authority OrderFor the one who orders for everybody and asks nobody.Choose 5View ▸§ 18.5Eating off other people’s platesIssues: Plate Boundary InjunctionFor the one who ordered a salad and is now eating your chips.Choose 5View ▸§ 7.8Backseat cookingIssues: Kitchen Interference OrderFor the one who supervises the cooking without ever having done any.Choose 5View ▸§ 21.3Sending eleven-minute voice notesIssues: Voice Note Cease and DesistFor the one whose message cannot be skimmed, searched, or survived.Choose 5View ▸§ 2.2Leaving hair in the drainIssues: Drain Clearance NoticeFor the housemate who leaves the shower looking like a crime scene.Choose 5View ▸§ 4.3Leaving the tap runningIssues: Water Discipline OrderFor the one who brushes their teeth with the tap on the entire time.Choose 5View ▸§ 2.3Wearing outdoor shoes insideIssues: Footwear Removal OrderFor the guest who walks the entire street through your house.Choose 5View ▸§ 2.1Clipping nails in shared roomsIssues: Grooming Location OrderFor the one who does that on the sofa. In front of people. With a sound.Choose 5View ▸§ 13.1Phone permanently at three percentIssues: Charge Level CitationFor the one whose phone dies at the exact moment it is needed, every time.Choose 5View ▸§ 13.2Watching videos without headphonesIssues: Headphone Enforcement OrderFor the one who watches nine-second videos on speaker, on a train, at volume.Choose 5View ▸§ 13.5Never muting on callsIssues: Microphone Discipline OrderFor the colleague whose every call includes their kitchen, their dog and their breathing.Choose 5View ▸§ 15.4Playing music out loud in publicIssues: Ambient Audio InjunctionFor the one who has decided the whole bus should hear their playlist.Choose 5View ▸§ 15.5FaceTiming on speaker in publicIssues: Public Video Call OrderFor the one conducting a full video call, on speaker, on a train.Choose 5View ▸§ 15.1Jumping the queueIssues: Queue Integrity OrderFor the one who joins a queue somewhere other than the end of it.Choose 5View ▸§ 20.3Never bringing anythingIssues: Contribution NoticeFor the friend who arrives at every dinner with nothing but an appetite.Choose 5View ▸§ 38.3Treating the living room as their bedroomIssues: Common Area Restoration OrderFor the flatmate whose belongings have taken the sofa, the table and the floor.Choose 5View ▸§ 36.1Asking when you are having childrenIssues: Reproductive Enquiry Cease and DesistFor the relative who has asked at every single gathering since the wedding.Choose 5View ▸§ 36.2Unsolicited parenting adviceIssues: Unsolicited Guidance OrderFor the relative who has an opinion on every decision you make about your own child.Choose 5View ▸§ 36.4Commenting on your appearanceIssues: Personal Remarks OrderFor the relative whose greeting is always an observation about your face, weight or hair.Choose 5View ▸§ 36.6Comparing you to your siblingIssues: Comparative Assessment NoticeFor the parent who has never once mentioned your news without mentioning your brother’s.Choose 5View ▸§ 36.7The weekend visit that becomes a fortnightIssues: Visit Duration OrderFor the in-laws whose three nights have entered a second week.Choose 5View ▸§ 36.3Undermining the rules with the grandchildrenIssues: Rule Undermining InjunctionFor the grandparent who returns them at ten at night, full of sugar, delighted.Choose 5View ▸§ 36.5Asking what everything costIssues: Financial Disclosure OrderFor the relative who asks what you earn, what you paid, and what it is worth now.Choose 5View ▸§ 36.8Rearranging your kitchen while “helping”Issues: Unauthorised Reorganisation NoticeFor the relative who washes up and leaves you unable to find anything for a month.Choose 5View ▸§ 36.10Buying the loudest possible toyIssues: Acoustic Gift InjunctionFor the grandparent who buys the drum kit, and then goes home.Choose 5View ▸§ 32.1Never remembering birthdaysIssues: Anniversary Recollection NoticeFor the one who has never once remembered without being told, twice.Choose 5View ▸§ 29.3Never replying to invitationsIssues: Invitation Response NoticeFor the parent who never RSVPs and then arrives, with two children.Choose 5View ▸§ 29.1Letting the kids run wildIssues: Juvenile Supervision OrderFor the parent whose children have visited every table but their own.Choose 5View ▸§ 29.2iPad at full volume in publicIssues: Device Volume OrderFor the parent whose child’s cartoons are audible three carriages away.Choose 5View ▸§ 25.1The repair that never happensIssues: Deferred Repair NoticeFor the one who has been going to fix it since a previous government.Choose 5View ▸§ 25.2Half-finished projects everywhereIssues: Incomplete Works OrderFor the one whose house has three rooms at ninety percent and none at a hundred.Choose 5View ▸§ 25.3Never changing the bulbIssues: Illumination Restoration NoticeFor the household that has lived by the light of one working bulb since spring.Choose 5View ▸§ 25.4Flat-pack in the hall for monthsIssues: Flat-Pack Occupation OrderFor the one whose new wardrobe has been a box in the hallway since February.Choose 5View ▸§ 34.1Keeping absolutely everythingIssues: Accumulation Cease and DesistFor the one who cannot throw anything away in case it comes in useful in 2041.Choose 5View ▸§ 34.2Keeping every takeaway containerIssues: Vessel Retention OrderFor the household whose entire cupboard is empty plastic tubs, and one lid.Choose 5View ▸§ 7.5Never throwing anything out of the fridgeIssues: Perishables Removal OrderFor the household whose fridge contains something nobody will open.Choose 5View ▸§ 19.1A parcel arriving every single dayIssues: Impulse Acquisition WarningFor the one whose delivery driver knows them by name and by first name.Choose 5View ▸§ 19.2Buying things and never returning themIssues: Unreturned Goods NoticeFor the one with four bags by the door, all of them going back, none of them going back.Choose 5View ▸§ 19.3Never sticking to the shopping listIssues: Provisioning Discipline OrderFor the one sent for milk who returns with everything except milk.Choose 5View ▸§ 35.1Always ordering one more roundIssues: Closing Time OrderFor the friend who orders another round while everyone else is putting their coat on.Choose 5View ▸§ 35.2Never being the one to go homeIssues: Departure NoticeFor the friend who has never once left a party before it ended, or after.Choose 5View ▸§ 35.3Texting everyone at 2amIssues: Nocturnal Correspondence InjunctionFor the friend whose most heartfelt messages all arrive between one and three in the morning.Choose 5View ▸§ 10.4Always forgetting their walletIssues: Means of Payment OrderFor the one whose wallet is always in the other coat.Choose 5View ▸§ 10.5Always getting you next timeIssues: Reciprocity Enforcement NoticeFor the friend for whom next time has never once arrived.Choose 5View ▸§ 10.3Requesting three pounds backIssues: Micro-Request Cease and DesistFor the friend who sends a payment request for a coffee. With an emoji.Choose 5View ▸§ 26.4Reheating fish at the deskIssues: Workplace Odor NoticeFor the colleague whose lunch is still in the air at four o’clock.Choose 5View ▸§ 31.4Overrunning every meetingIssues: Meeting Overrun OrderFor the one who says “just one more thing” at the fifty-ninth minute.Choose 5View ▸§ 26.6Meetings at 4:55 on a FridayIssues: Scheduling Conduct OrderFor the colleague who books half an hour at the exact moment the week ends.Choose 5View ▸§ 27.1Parking across two spacesIssues: Parking Conduct CitationFor the one whose car needs the room and whose neighbors need it more.Choose 5View ▸§ 30.5Parking outside your houseIssues: Frontage Parking OrderFor the neighbour with a driveway who parks, always, directly outside yours.Choose 5View ▸§ 30.7Letting the hedge grow overIssues: Boundary Growth OrderFor the neighbour whose hedge has quietly annexed a third of your garden.Choose 5View ▸§ 30.8Bonfires and barbecue smokeIssues: Smoke Drift CitationFor the neighbour who lights a fire the moment your washing goes out.Choose 5View ▸§ 30.9Cluttering the shared hallwayIssues: Communal Space Clearance OrderFor the neighbour who treats the shared hall as an extension of their flat.Choose 5View ▸§ 30.4Never taking in a parcelIssues: Parcel Custody NoticeFor the neighbour who is always in, and never in when a parcel needs signing for.Choose 5View ▸§ 8.1Letting the dog on the furnitureIssues: Furniture Access OrderFor the owner whose dog has a favourite armchair, and it is yours.Choose 5View ▸§ 8.2Cat on the kitchen counterIssues: Food Surface OrderFor the owner who lets the cat walk where the food gets made.Choose 5View ▸§ 8.3Leaving a barking dog aloneIssues: Sustained Barking InjunctionFor the neighbour whose dog barks for six hours a day and is never there to hear it.Choose 5View ▸§ 11.1Reclining the seat fullyIssues: Seat Recline InjunctionFor the passenger who goes fully horizontal the second the wheels leave the ground.Choose 5View ▸§ 11.2Standing the instant the plane landsIssues: Premature Standing OrderFor the passenger who is on their feet before the seatbelt sign is off, going nowhere.Choose 5View ▸§ 11.3Taking both armrestsIssues: Armrest Allocation OrderFor the passenger who annexed both armrests before you had sat down.Choose 5View ▸§ 11.4Using your baggage allowanceIssues: Baggage Allowance Requisition NoticeFor the travel companion whose case is always four kilos over, and yours never is.Choose 5View ▸§ 11.5Being late to the airportIssues: Departure Punctuality WarningFor the travel companion who thinks forty minutes is plenty for an international flight.Choose 5View ▸§ 13.3Full brightness in a dark roomIssues: Screen Luminance OrderFor the one whose screen lights the whole bedroom like a small sun.Choose 5View ▸§ 13.4Typing with the clicks onIssues: Keyboard Acoustics NoticeFor the one whose phone clicks for every single letter, in a silent room.Choose 5View ▸§ 15.2Stopping dead at the topIssues: Escalator Egress NoticeFor the one who reaches the top of the escalator and stops to think about it.Choose 5View ▸§ 15.3Spreading across two seatsIssues: Seat Occupation OrderFor the passenger whose bag has its own ticket, apparently.Choose 5View ▸§ 20.4Bringing an unannounced plus-oneIssues: Unregistered Guest OrderFor the guest who brings someone you have never met to a table set for six.Choose 5View ▸§ 21.4Replying to messages from days agoIssues: Delayed Thread NoticeFor the one who answers a question from Tuesday, on Saturday, with no context.Choose 5View ▸§ 26.8Sending nine messages instead of oneIssues: Channel Discipline NoticeFor the colleague whose single thought arrives as eleven notifications.Choose 5View ▸§ 21.5Sending “we need to talk” and going quietIssues: Ominous Message InjunctionFor the one who sends four words and then goes offline for six hours.Choose 5View ▸§ 37.3Talking about their ex constantlyIssues: Prior Matter RestrictionFor the one whose ex has attended every date you have been on.Choose 5View ▸§ 22.1Posting unflattering photos of youIssues: Image Publication OrderFor the friend who always picks the photo where they look good and you do not.Choose 5View ▸§ 22.2Checking in everywhereIssues: Location Broadcast NoticeFor the one who documents every meal, gate and gym session as it happens.Choose 5View ▸§ 22.3Posting cryptic updatesIssues: Ambiguous Publication WarningFor the one who posts “some people know what they did” and replies to nobody.Choose 5View ▸§ 22.4Tagging you in everythingIssues: Tagging Restraint OrderFor the one who tags you in nine posts a day, none of them relevant.Choose 5View ▸§ 27.7Never refilling the tankIssues: Fuel Level NoticeFor the one who returns the car on fumes and says nothing about it.Choose 5View ▸§ 28.1Never re-racking the weightsIssues: Weight Restoration OrderFor the one who leaves every plate on the bar for the next person to deal with.Choose 5View ▸§ 28.2Sitting on a machine scrollingIssues: Station Occupation NoticeFor the one who has been sitting on the leg press for eleven minutes, on their phone.Choose 5View ▸§ 28.3Not wiping down the equipmentIssues: Equipment Sanitation OrderFor the one who leaves the bench exactly as wet as they found it dry.Choose 5View ▸§ 28.4Talking about their marathonIssues: Athletic Narration WarningFor the friend whose training block has become the only subject available.Choose 5View ▸§ 32.2Regifting badlyIssues: Gift Provenance OrderFor the one who gave you a candle with somebody else’s card still in it.Choose 5View ▸§ 33.1Talking about their dietIssues: Dietary Evangelism WarningFor the one who has told you what they no longer eat, at every meal, since January.Choose 5View ▸§ 36.9Posting photos of your children onlineIssues: Juvenile Image Publication OrderFor the relative who posts your children to their four hundred followers without asking.Choose 5View ▸
1–10 of 153
Not listed?

Tell us the habit. We’ll notify you once we’ve built out your official documents.

Filing fees

Cheaper than a conversation.

One notice, $14.99. Every one after that costs less, whoever it is for.

One Notice1 notice$14.99eachOne offense, one person, served once.13% offThe Household2–3 notices$12.99eachA partner and a roommate — or one person, twice.Most served26% offParty Pack4–7 notices$10.99eachServe the whole table. Nobody leaves clean.33% offThe Whole Office8+ notices$9.99eachSecret Santa, solved. One per desk.
  • Two custom documents — print and hand deliver, or serve a digital copy
  • Five charges you choose — or write one yourself
  • A response code — they must plead guilty, appeal, or refuse

Asking nicely has had its chance.

Serve someone · from $14.99